I WANT ME BACK! But who is me? I have not been me for so long I think I might have forgotten who me is. I seem to want to fit into everyone's mold of who they think me is. Me is an apparition I have lost touch with. Can I get her back?

I think in order to find me or a place to start is I have to go back to the time when I was a little girl. The time in which I had innocence. The time before the wicked ways of the world got a hold of me and started to reshape me like a piece of clay from which I was born. I sit here 44 years old and when I think of when I was truly happy and carefree was the time I was a little girl. Playing, having fun, not a care in the world but somewhere between the ages of 10 to 44 she got lost. I want who that person was back.

A place for me to restart is to reflect on this poem I wrote back in 1996 titled "Little Girl"

Little girl where are you going?
Walking down a trail of dreams to the
Beginning of time where hope is all you
Have and love is an unkown destiny.

Kitty cat by your side taking you step by step.
The purring of its heart beating agasint the frame of
The little girl who holds all the secrets to the
Contentment of life.

White lace and chiffon brush the edges of your skin.
The basket in your hand meets the morning haze.
Your dreams are a basket full of flowers while
The rust of time dictates your life in pleasant harmony.

Love is held in your hand and your hand is the
Chain of innocence, but the eyes of innocence are
Searching distant seas that illuminate the
Dark of a time much simpler.

Little girl where are you going?
Heading down a path which used to be me.
A life where you are the queen of the garden and
Flowers blow briskly in the
Wind whispering the joys of your life.

Kitty cat by your side whose heartbeat serves as a guide
To the ever ending swarm of lazy
Sunny afternoons that hold all the memories of a time
Tied up in bundles.

Your hat lies delicately upon your head with
Pink ribbons lace in soft folds.
This fragile delicacy is guiding you
Down the path into the brightened mist where your vision of
Life is scattered by thoughts of wonderment.

Little girl are you heading towards mesas of solitude
Sand as black as night
Lighthouses which shine brightly in the dark
Sand that sifts beneath your feet
Ships that anchor majestically out at sea
Sea fans that hunger for the storm.

Little girl where is that trail leading you?
Little girl where has your kitty cat gone?
Little girl where has your white lace, chiffon and pink ribbons gone?
Little girl where has your basket full of flowers gone?
Little girl where as your innocence gone?
Little girl where have you gone?

In my next post I will address these questions and try and find some answers. I wrote this poem 15 years ago and I never tried to answer the questions I asked. I just asked and left it at that. I think if I dig deep and try to find the answers will be the first big step in rediscovering me.

WOW!! Sitting here feeling lost, alone and not knowing what to do. What my lawyer said to me keeps going over and over in my head. 1. He said to me if you don't fight to get everything you can you will have nothing. This made me feel really bad about myself because when I divorced my first husband I had nothing and that lawer pointed about to me how I had nothing. And here I sit 15 years later and I still have nothing. 2. After he told me I had nothing and told me what my rights are and what I should have out of this marriage financially he put his pen down and leaned back in his chair and said to me. "Tell me what you want." "What?" He says again, "What do you want." WHAT DO I WANT? I don't think I have ever been so shocked. You are asking me what I want. What I want? My lawyer sat there tilted back in his chair waiting for me to answer him. All I could do was stumble with my words. How do I express to him what I want when I have never given myself permission to ask myself that question. What do I want. I am sitting here unable to sleep with those words of his rambling through my head. Then I remembered starting this blog a long time ago about the Reinvention of Mama Bear. I decided to pull it up and I just blew myself away by my one and only post about two years ago and I had my answer. What I want is ME!!!!!!!!! I want all my old haunts to disappear and vanish them from my mind and start fresh. I want to be a butterfly coming out of that cocoon. I WANT ME BACK!

What is Reinvention of Mama Bear

Reinvention of Mama Bear is a journey. I do not know where this journey will take me but I know I need to begin. There is no end in sight it is just a trail that forever moves into eternity. On this trail there will be roots and rocks to trip over. Switchbacks that will refuse to let me follow the straight and narrow. Blazes that are hard to follow and will throw me off course, but will take me on a journey into new territory I never dreamed I would find or to have the courage to find. It is taking that first step and moving out of my comfort zone. The reinvention is coming to a realization that I have to do something different or I risk drowing under the expectations of my world. It is learning a bit about myself through the world that is around me. The air that I breathe, the rocks I walk on, the water that flows all around. It is about waking up and finding me.