Wednesday, March 14, 2012
WOW!! Sitting here feeling lost, alone and not knowing what to do. What my lawyer said to me keeps going over and over in my head. 1. He said to me if you don't fight to get everything you can you will have nothing. This made me feel really bad about myself because when I divorced my first husband I had nothing and that lawer pointed about to me how I had nothing. And here I sit 15 years later and I still have nothing. 2. After he told me I had nothing and told me what my rights are and what I should have out of this marriage financially he put his pen down and leaned back in his chair and said to me. "Tell me what you want." "What?" He says again, "What do you want." WHAT DO I WANT? I don't think I have ever been so shocked. You are asking me what I want. What I want? My lawyer sat there tilted back in his chair waiting for me to answer him. All I could do was stumble with my words. How do I express to him what I want when I have never given myself permission to ask myself that question. What do I want. I am sitting here unable to sleep with those words of his rambling through my head. Then I remembered starting this blog a long time ago about the Reinvention of Mama Bear. I decided to pull it up and I just blew myself away by my one and only post about two years ago and I had my answer. What I want is ME!!!!!!!!! I want all my old haunts to disappear and vanish them from my mind and start fresh. I want to be a butterfly coming out of that cocoon. I WANT ME BACK!
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Wow. Oh how I know what that feels like--having never asked myself what I wanted until time of divorce--middle age. Even in the midst of the asking, it was even difficult to even know what I wanted--for I had never taken that into consideration. I had never thought of myself as important enough to even be considered in the process. Tough journey, that of discovering who we are and want we want. But oh so empowering!!
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I have never been thrown so much for a loop by someone asking me what I want. It's not so much the words but how he asked. He put his pen down leaned back in his chair and said, "what do you want?" He sat there just looking at me waiting for me to answer. I don't think anything has hit me that hard before. Yeah, what do I want?
DeleteTough question--and a question that came as a powerful gift--even though he might not have known he was giving a gift.
DeleteOf course his statement wasn't literally true. Choosing to go with what you have offered doesn't mean you won't have nothing. You will have a lot. You already do have a lot.
ReplyDeleteYou ARE that butterfly!!!!!! And you are beautiful!
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